Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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