I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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