Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
