The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
