I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Everything about him screamed your future.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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