i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
