I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
