You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
