hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
