dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
