Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
