Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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