Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
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