when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i think my cat just said my name.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
