I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
