Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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