I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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