Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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