That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
