nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
