Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I touched a dick in church today
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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