Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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