im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
