can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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