Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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