Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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