If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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