I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have post one night stand depression
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
