did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drunk is a universal language darling
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