I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
