there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
