I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
