saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
