the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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