just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
