she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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