I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
