I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
