so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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