Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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