I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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