I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
