I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
