Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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