they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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