The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
