i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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