just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
