with your own penis?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
