I CAN MOONWALK!
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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