I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
there is glitter all over my balls
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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