Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
